How do you ask for things when you want or need them? Do you hint? Do you not say anything and then get mad when the other person doesn’t figure out what you want?
Or do you ask for what you want in a clear, concise, direct way?
When you want or need something do you feel like you’re burdening someone by asking for it? Do you feel like you’re inconveniencing them?
Or do understand that asking is just asking and the other person can say no if they want?
Do you feel like you’re being selfish and demanding if you ask for it? Do you feel like you don’t deserve it anyways so you’d better not ask? Are you afraid the other person will be mad at you for asking?
Or do you recognize that if someone punishes you for requesting things they’re probably not a great person to have in your life?
In our culture women, especially, have been trained to believe that to assert their needs is wrong or bad. We have been conditioned to think that it is our job to take care of other people’s wants and needs and to put our own off to the side.
We have gotten the message that we’re being “bitchy”, “selfish”, “rude”, “mean”, or “hysterical” when we want or need things.
You have needs. You have wants. You have rights. Learn to ask for things. Understand that you won’t always get what you want, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have asked for it in the first place.
HYSTERICAL
I have to spend a little bit of time on the word hysterical. I won’t go too far into a history lesson on the origin of the word, but I will say that it’s pretty much a word that is solely reserved for women.
In the late 1800’s/early 1900’s men would send their wives to the doctor when she was unhappy to fix her “hysteria.” This basically means she wasn’t being compliant and had some opinions about life that he didn’t like. She may have had the audacity to ask for some things that were totally reasonable, that he perceived to be counter to his needs.
Here’s where it really gets weird.
The solution for “hysteria”, which was an actual diagnosis, was for the doctor to manually stimulate an orgasm. Yup. You read that right. The first vibrators were medical equipment. The lady of the house would then return home a little more relaxed and the problem would be temporarily “solved”.
Thankfully we’ve come (pun not intended) a long way from there. A good orgasm now and then is lovely, but it doesn’t exactly solve a person’s life needs.
RUDE AND SELFISH
Moving back to present day, the number one reason women tell me they don’t ask for the things they want and need in life is because they’re afraid they’ll be seen as rude or selfish.
Asking for something is only a request, it is not mind control, or disrespectfully demanding. The other person always has the option to say no.
If the other person perceives you as rude or selfish, it is only that; a perception.
If I ask you to pass the salt, am I being rude? I guess it could be perceived that way if I stood up in the middle of dinner and screamed over someone who is already speaking, but… simply asking, is not rude.
If I ask you for a ride to the airport, am I being selfish? Again, I suppose it could be perceived that way if I asked by telling you that you’re schedule, time, and gas don’t matter, but… simply asking is not selfish.
HOW TO ASK FOR SOMETHING
There are times when what you’re asking for is about a behavior change in someone else. Like wanting them to stop teasing you, or wanting the to start thinking of you when they stop for Taco Bell on the way home, or wanting them to follow through on promises they’ve made to you.
Things like this can feel emotionally loaded, but don’t worry we’ve got a plan:
Describe the situation without any emotion, “Just the facts ma’am” (some of you got that, if you didn’t, look it up. Example: “When you came home you walked past me without saying hello, got something to eat, sat down to watch TV.”
Express how you feel when this thing happens(ed). Example: “When you do this I feel unimportant to you. I also feel hurt, and afraid I’ve done something to make you angry.”
Assert what you would prefer the other person did. Example: “When you come home I would like it if you would say hi, and take some time to catch up before settling in to watch TV.”
Reinforce what you’re saying by telling them how this thing you are asking for will change things. Example: “I’ll feel happier and less likely to be reactive toward you.”
I then like to add the line “Is that something you can do for me?” An answer of “yes” creates a verbal contract. An answer of “no” creates a new conversation as to what it is about what you are asking that they do not fee they can offer you.
THE BROKEN RECORD
Sometimes when you ask for something the other person will try to deflect because they don’t want to give it to you, but don’t know how to say a direct “No”. Asking for things is not the only time being direct is helpful.
In these cases the other person will often start to go off on a tangent, or will “yes, but” your ask.
When that happens It’s your job to keep gently bringing the subject back to the original request. This is where the broken record comes in, and, I’m going to warn you, if someone is trying to create a tangent so the thing you’re asking for gets forgotten, they may not like the broken record technique.
This is not about being mean, or snarky, or sarcastic. It’s simply about validating what they are saying and returning to the original subject.
For example:
You’ve gone through your steps to ask for your thing. They now say something like, “Hey did you see the Cubs game yesterday?” or “You’re always harping on me about something.”
You can respond with something like “Yeah, the game was great! That homer Happ hit in the 8th was beautiful. But I really do want to finish talking about [fill in the original subject]. What do you think?” Or “I can see where it might feel like I ask a lot of things of you, and that could feel frustrating sometimes. This is really important to me though, so I’d like to finish talking about it.”
See what we did there? Validate that they said something, then loop back to the original need.
They keep creating tangents? You keep acknowledging and looping back, until it’s time to point out that it doesn’t seem like they want to have this conversation, and ask a new direct question like, “What makes this something you might not want to talk about?”
GUARANTEE OF SUCCESS?
If success is only measured by getting what you want, then, no, I can’t guarantee you’ll always get what you want, no matter how beautifully, calmly, and directly you ask. I can guarantee (and that’s a big deal for me to say) that you will feel positive about they way you handled they situation. Sometimes that’s what the goal needs to be.
Then you go back to the drawing board and figure out if the person you’re asking something of is willing or able to give you want you want, or if it’s better to find a new way that is in your control to achieve your goal.
THE TAKE AWAY
Ask for the things you want in a clear, concise, direct way. This will avoid miscommunication, passive aggressiveness, and pure passivity.
Give yourself a chance to feel the strength and power of asserting yourself without anger or aggression.
Stop wasting time and energy wanting things you never ask for.