There is a fallacy out there that says you only have the right to be confident if you’re thin, or fit, or whatever the ideal of the day is. I call bullshit.
True confidence doesn’t give a crap what your body looks like.
Sure, there are may be health issues to be addressed in some situations, but that has nothing to do with whether or not you believe in yourself.
If I ask you what does a confident woman look like, what immediately comes to mind?
How does she walk?
How does she talk?
Is she loud? Quiet?
Does she make eye contact?
Does she tell people what to do and how to do it?
Does she listen to others?
Recently, when I asked this of a client she ultimately came down to the description of a confident woman as “someone who moves smoothly”. I loved that!
What she was talking about was the idea that a confident woman moves with grace born of an assurance that she knows where she is and where she’s going.
Notice: nothing about this description has anything to do with the woman’s physical appearance.
TRUST
Confidence is something that comes from inside of us. Wearing clothing we love can enhance already exiting confidence, but it doesn’t create confidence. Putting on makeup (aka, war paint) can give you a sense of confidence, but that still isn’t doing anything more than enhancing what is already there.
If you do not believe in yourself the best clothing and the most perfect cosmetics will not change that.
This is going to sound cheesy and cliché, but cheesy clichés came from somewhere; confidence comes from inside of you.
What the hell does that actually mean, though!? How do I make it happen!? (I can hear you asking these questions already).
It takes the willingness to take some risks. Healthy risks. Ones that take you outside your comfort zone and slowly build evidence for your brain that you can trust yourself.
You need to learn to trust yourself to feel confident.
Trust that you are the same person regardless of having bed head or being dressed for a gala.
Trust that even if you screw up, you can figure out how to regroup and reassess.
Trust that you can keep yourself safe.
Trust that you will follow through on your commitments to yourself.
So, answer #1 to how do you gain confidence: take on those challenges that prove to your brain that you are more than it originally thought.
WALK THE WALK
I get a lot of arguments about this next recommendation and few people follow through on it. I think the reason is that it feels too risky, too cocky. Those who do follow these instructions tell me they feel a sense of relief, as if a weight has been lifted.
Stand tall.
Stand with your shoulders back and relaxed down
Chin level with the ground
Eyes up
Gentle smile on your face
And remember to breathe
One woman I worked with told me the story of how she decided, the summer between high school and college, that she was going to spend the entire summer walking like a ballerina, because they always looked so assured of themselves and she wanted to feel that, too.
I met her when she was in her late 30’s and she still walked tall. She said after those 3 months of intentionally changing her posture and walk, it had stuck. She was a tall woman and had an amazing presence.
I’m not going to tell you that walking tall had overcome the traumas she had experienced in her lifetime, but it sure as hell helped.
I know I feel the most confident in my heeled combat boots. I feel tall and strong in them. The boots don’t create the confidence – they enhance what is already there. You should see me stomping my way through the day in those things. It’s fabulous!
Answer #2 to how do you create confidence: walk, stand, and sit with strength and assurance. I don’t care if you have to fake it at first. Do this for one month, then report back to me what you experienced.
CHANGE THAT CRAPPY THINKING
Oh, sure, Kate, just change the shit-talking in my head, just like that! Who are you kidding?
No one.
You can do this. You have to decide to do it, but you can once you decide.
Coming back to my original statement about our culture that holds a particular physical form in highest esteem…get over it.
Of course, I know it isn’t that easy. Get over it by telling yourself it doesn’t apply to you. And ask yourself whose words those are in your head anyways?
Your mom’s? Your dad’s?
Your middle school peers?
Your boy/girlfriend?
Your “best friend”?
The TV? Instagram? Snapchat? Facebook? Tic Tok?
Your sports coach?
That crappy thinking isn’t yours. It was given to you as the shittiest gift ever. It was given to you by someone who had to project their stuff onto you to try to feel like they were evening out the playing field. That may have even been someone who loves you very much, but doesn’t love themself.
Answer #3 is to change your mindset and own it instead of letting someone else’s words dictate your worth.
CHALLENGE
Okay, I’m going to throw a challenge at you. You will have to adapt it to fit your readiness, though. I’ve found over the course of time that if I ask someone to go too far beyond their readiness it becomes more traumatizing than helpful. Know your limits, while also giving yourself some room to stretch.
For one whole day:
Look everyone you talk to straight in the eye.
Take any walk that is longer than ten feet as if you were on a modeling catwalk. Work it.
Stick to that until you’re ready for the next challenge.
For one whole week:
Do the above PLUS:
Make zero excuses for your body shape.
Say thank you to compliments without explaining them away or dismissing them.
Every morning take five minutes to explain to your brain why you can be trusted. Give evidence you’ve gathered.
Catch your crappy thoughts and simply ask yourself: Who’s voice is that? Do I want to keep that thought?
Keep building on these in small bites. Readjust as necessary instead of giving up.
HELP?
Yeah, I know, I this is tough stuff. If you’ve lived your whole life not believing in yourself that doesn’t change overnight.
We become attached to our negative perceptions of self because, no matter how messed up they are, they’re familiar.
Familiarity breeds comfort. We can actually become more comfortable with feeling icky than with facing the unknowns of change. That doesn’t mean you can’t change, though.
Of course, if you’ve been reading my posts for a while now you know I’m here to help. I will walk beside you as you figure this out and dust off that confident woman inside of you. You are not alone and we can do this together.