I started and stopped while writing this at least 3 times. How do I write about women’s rights in a blog format? I was afraid of offending or wimping out. This in itself is a symptom of my own cultural conditioning. So, here we go…
The cultural conditioning I want to talk about has made it that as soon as a woman starts to talk about women’s rights many people stop listening. Images of angry hippies burning bras jump to mind and people get scared. I’m not looking to scare anyone away. I hope to give you information to consider.
Feminism is something I’ve found isn’t really understood by the general population. [Insert amusing anecdote]:
When I was 23 I went on a couple of dates with a nice guy. At the end of our second date he was dropping me off at my apartment when, somehow, the topic of the show Designing Women, came up. He said, “You mean that show where those women just sit around talking all day?”
Now, you have to understand, he was talking about one of my favorite shows, and one that provided strong, comedic, female roles. I don’t remember my full response, but I know the term “flaming feminist” came out of my mouth.
I wasn’t being “bitchy” or “hysterical” (don’t even get me started on the origin of that word), in fact I thought I was saying something funny. The terrified look on his face told me he took it differently. He never called me again. I was really okay with that.
Another 23 or so years later I’m in the position of being a model and mentor to other women. I have always focused my work on women’s empowerment because I feel strongly about lifting women up, and because it is a gaping hole in the support systems for women.
I find myself talking to my female clients about the origin of their fears and so often it comes back to a cultural conditioning from messages we are exposed to about how we are ‘supposed’ to behave because we’re girls/women/chicks/ladies.
So, I thought I’d gather a few of those messages together and chat about them for a bit.
Don’t be mean:
This sounds like a great idea. Being mean is terrible. Don’t be a mean girl, good message.
The problem is this message is not what it appears on the surface. “Don’t be mean” becomes “don’t assert yourself”. Now we have a problem.
Women have been conditioned to believe that setting boundaries, asking for our needs to get met, and expressing an opinion that is different than someone else’s is “mean”.
What I say to my clients is, telling someone “You’re an asshole” is probably mean. Saying “I’m not okay with how you are behaving toward me and I’m asking you to stop” is not mean. It’s setting a boundary. Stating a fact and making a request.
Women tell me they don’t want to break up with a man because they don’t want to be “mean”.
Huh? I suppose if you broke up with someone saying “You’re a loser and I’m gone! Peace out bitches!” it could feel mean, as in, hurtful, but the actual act of ending a relationship is not being cruel. In fact, it’s often the kindest thing you can do.
Don’t upset anyone:
That’s right, lady, don’t you dare be upsetting. Don’t have an opinion of your own!
Barf.
Do you see a trend already beginning? Women tell me they don’t want to upset anyone when we talk about setting boundaries or expressing opinions.
If you don’t want Italian for dinner and say that, and then someone becomes angry with you, that’s the person who needs to take a look at their behavior, not you.
If you want to say no to something, you get to do that. Too many women have been sexually assaulted while trying very hard not to be upsetting to their attacker. Not only because they didn’t want him to hurt her, but also because she didn’t think she had the right to disagree with him.
You’re supposed fix everyone else:
Ugh. No, you aren’t. Geez.
First of all, it isn’t your job to sacrifice yourself. Second of all you can’t fix everything for everyone so it’s an immediate set up for failure to think you should.
Don’t be loud:
Ha! I love this one. Probably because I can be pretty damn loud.
I can be lady-like when I choose to. I know when to be quiet, like in church. I often even enjoy being quiet. I also know I would not be authentic if I tried to stifle my donkey laugh. If you’ve never heard it, I’ll tell you it’s loud and startling.
Being loud is like taking up space. Women are as deserving of space as men.
Loud can be how you dress, how you walk, how much confidence you emit, how straight you stand and so much more.
What I really like about being loud is you don’t have to utter a sound to be loud. Be you with no apologies.
Don’t be a bitch:
Um, who determines the definition of “bitch”? I’ve seen perfectly lovely women who were audacious enough to say no to someone’s idea be called a bitch, so… I can’t support this at all.
If we describe “bitch” as strong, ambitious, opinionated, and independent, sign me up!
Don’t make more money than your man:
What, now? This is just getting silly.
The reason we aren’t supposed to make more than men is:
Supposedly we don’t provide as much value as men? Yeah, no. That’s nuts.
Men have such fragile little egos that we shouldn’t risk hurting them.
What!? Now we’re going to insult men in order to keep women in their “place”? Think about it. To say we shouldn’t upset men because they’re fragile is demeaning to men. They’re strong, independent people, too. Give them a chance to handle their own egos.
On that note…
Don’t expect your husband to help with the baby:
Why the hell not? Dads are not just babysitters. They are perfectly capable of caring for their children.
I have a dear friend who found himself in the position to raise his twin daughters on his own. He did an amazing job. It was as hard as it would have been for a woman. He did it beautifully and his way, as any parent would.
Empowering men is a part of feminism. Empowering them to know they can do traditional female tasks. They are not stupid. Our culture trains them to behave as if they are incapable of putting dishes in the dishwasher. (Do I insert the story of my husband calling me when I was out of town to ask how to use the dishwasher?...)
The Lesson
Alright ladies! We are to not be mean, upsetting, bitchy, loud or hysterical, and we are to sacrifice ourselves repeatedly to take care of everything and everyone as if they are not able to take care of themselves. Oh yeah, and we’re supposed to behave as if our spouses are incapable of caring for their own children so it all falls on us until we snap.
No thank you.
Be bold.
Be gentle.
Be authentic.
Be opinionated.
Be inspired.
Be inspiring.
Be you.
Whoever you are is who you are meant to be. Let your values dictate your choices, not culture-driven messages.
It’s one of my greatest honors in being a life coach to walk on the same path as so many other amazing women. I’ll be here to walk with you, too, when you’re ready kick down a few walls.