No one likes being in pain. There are always solutions, though. It may take time and work, and the solution might not look the way you thought it would, but there really is a solution to everything.
When you’re in the middle of strong emotions the idea of a solution can seem like a fairytale, while you’re stuck in a nightmare.
Feelings like anger, sadness, fear, and guilt will plague you and run your life if you don’t make the choice to take control. I’m not going to tell you it’s easy to take control. But I am going to tell you that you can, and, with practice, it really does get easier.
OPPOSITE ACTION URGES
When you’re stuck in a feeling and can’t find your way out you can feel hopeless and helpless to the urges that feeling creates in you.
Urges:
Anger = Attack
Sadness = Withdraw
Fear = Run away
Your job is to counteract that urge to get yourself unstuck. To do this you’re going to practice using “opposite action urges”.
Opposite Actions
Anger = Be kind
Sadness = Take action
Fear = Move toward
It may seem too simplistic. Or it may seem dismissive of how much of a hold those feelings can have on you. But this is how I have helped countless clients gain control over their lives and how much control feelings get to have over those same lives.
ANGER
When you’re angry you have the urge to lash out verbally and even physically. I don’t think I have to tell you how dangerous both of those are.
Harming someone else does not make anger go away.
Some clients have said, “Yeah, but for a moment there it felt really good!” I get it, that release of energy after you flay someone with your words can feel like relief. But it doesn’t solve anything, does it? The triggering issue still exists, and instead of making yourself feel better you actually amp yourself up even further.
Pain is a powerful motivator in the moment, but pleasure is the motivator that lasts.
Kindness
When you show kindness toward someone who has wronged you it gives you a lightness of being that is unparalleled.
Think and act with kindness to any person who angers you. I know it sounds hard, but it’s worth it.
If someone cuts you off in traffic, send them kind thoughts of empathy for how much pain they must be in, instead of calling them an a$$hole and flipping the bird.
If someone says something awful to you, meet them with calm.
If your waiter gets your meal wrong be gentle in your words, be understanding of the difficulties he may be dealing with.
If someone has differing political views from yours, be accepting of their right to have those views and, if you want to converse, converse, do not try to convince or berate.
I have been known to say the Meta prayer in my car and direct it at that driver who just cut me off.
May you be well
May you be happy
May you be peaceful
I don’t know if it helps them, but it sure as heck helps me. My whole nervous system quiets down. Their action wasn’t personal.
It isn’t necessary to have a personal reaction.
SADNESS
When you feel sad you want to curl up in a ball under the covers and stay there for the rest of your life. That’s okay, you can do that…for about 20 minutes. That’s what I’m giving you. After that, it’s time to take action.
Sadness, aka, depression, can feel like pressure pushing you down toward the earth. Giving into that pressure feels like the easiest thing to do so you sink down, and down, and down. Then you lose hope, motivation, interest in life, and generally lose yourself.
I know you’re in pain in that moment. I swear that taking action will take that pain away over time.
Taking Action
To take action is to change your state of being, mentally and physically. We all have depressed days, even weeks where there seems to be no joy left in life.
This might be triggered by a specific event or it might feel like it snuck up on you for no reason.
When you want to curl up under the covers and never come out, move your limbs, exit the bed, make the bed so you’re less likely to get back in it, and do something, anything.
When you feel gross, and tired, and achy, and all you want to do is sit on the couch and watch Netflix, get up and move your body.
When you are feeling a loss of purpose in life, and can’t figure out what the point is anymore, achieve something, anything, wash the dishes, write a poem, I don’t care, just do something.
Whether it’s moving your body with exercise, accomplishing a task that has gone undone, digging in to a hobby you left by the wayside, reaching out to friends, or any of a million other things, you will change your mental state.
It may take time to see the results you really want, so don’t give up just because you did what I’m telling you and didn’t get instant happiness.
Keep moving and you will get there.
FEAR
The emotion I see running people’s lives the most is fear. Anxiety, worry, panic, apprehension – these are all forms of fear.
Fear is the thing that stops you from advancing your career. It’s the thing that stops you from going on that date you’ve been looking forward to. Fear gets in the way of life.
The therapeutic approach to phobias called “exposure therapy” is based on the idea of approaching the things you are afraid of instead of running from them.
Move Toward Your Fears
There are things you know to be afraid of, wild bears, oncoming traffic, a large stranger in an alley with a knife…go ahead and turn away from these sorts of things.
But there’s a lot of stuff out there you are afraid of that you can approach. I once stood at the top of a 35-foot cliff over the ocean, one foot at the edge, while leaning at a full 45-degree angle away from the edge out of fear. And then I stepped forward and jumped.
I’ll never regret having shown myself what I could do regardless of my fear.
When you’re afraid to talk about that one thing with your spouse because you don't know how he’ll react, say it.
When you’re afraid to wear that bold color that you love because you don’t know what other people will think, wear it.
When you’re afraid to do that thing you’ve been wanting to do for so long, do it.
You won’t get over fear by talking about it. You’ll get over it by facing it.
LIVE INTENTIONALLY
I’m not telling you to roll over and let people harm you, or that your sadness isn’t valid, or to take unsafe risks. I’m telling you there is a different way to deal with anger, sadness and fear. If the way you’ve been dealing with them isn’t creating change it’s time to try something different.
Depending on how deep a hold those feelings have on you it may be tough to create that change.
In my work as an Integrative Life Coach, helping you create change is what I do. When you’re ready to begin your journey to the life you deserve set up your coaching sessions and we’ll make change a reality.