How often do you find yourself reacting to situations in ways that you’re not happy with later on? Do you assume the worst and then act out of that assumption, creating more problems? Do you catastrophize or think in all or nothing terms?
These are all thought distortions that you can read more about in my blog How to Take Control of Your Own Thoughts. Thought distortions are when your thoughts get so twisted up that you don’t know what’s real and what’s imagined.
Here I’m going to give you strategies to separate fact from fiction, and how to handle those twisted moments.
FIRST: AWARENESS
Identify the Distortion
If you don’t know what distortion you’re dealing with you might struggle to figure out how to address it. To recap the 10 thought distortions are:
All or nothing thinking
Overgeneralization
Catastrophizing
Personalization
Mind-reading
Mental filtering
Discounting the positive
“Should” thoughts
Emotional reasoning
Labeling
Write down your negative thought then run through the distortions to see which of them applies. I’ll give you a hint; it’s probably more than one. The simple act of writing your negative thought down will help make it more concrete instead of something swimming around loose in your head. Identifying the distortion(s) will make it easier to think about the problem in a more positive and realistic way.
SECOND: PUT THE THOUGHT TO THE TEST
The following ideas are ways to prove or disprove your thought. They are ways to help you use logic and reason when you are feeling emotionally heightened. In a therapy technique called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) we call the place where logic and emotion overlap to work together “wise mind.”
Try using some of these methods to wake up your own wise mind. If one work more or less for you that’s great information. Keep using the one the works, and set the one that doesn’t aside. You can always try it again later to see if anything has changed.
Examine the Evidence
Instead of assuming that your thought is true, examine the actual evidence for it. For example, if you feel that you never do anything right, you could list several things you have done successfully.
I use this one with my clients all the time. “Give me the evidence” I tell them. After a pause they realize they have none.
The Double-Standard Method
Instead of putting yourself down in a harsh, condemning way, talk to yourself in the same compassionate way you would talk to a friend with a similar problem.
If you wouldn’t talk to someone you love in that manner, why would you talk to yourself that way? Because you don’t love yourself? Because you’re the one person on the planet that doesn’t deserve kindness? Try again. Be nice.
The Experiential Technique
Run an experiment to test the validity of your negative thought. For example, if, during a panic attack, you become terrified that you’re about to die of a heart attack, you could jog or run up and down several flights of stairs, this will prove that your heart is healthy and strong.
Thinking in Shades of Gray
Although this method might sound drab, the effects can be illuminating. My clients often tell me how much they hate the gray and how much they want things to be black and white. The reason is that they feel it would create order in a disorderly world. Unknowns are scary.
Instead of thinking about your problems in all-or-nothing extremes, take an evaluation of things on a scale of 0 to 100. When things don’t work out the way you wanted, think about the experience as a partial success rather than a complete failure.
The Survey Method
Ask people questions to find out if you thought and attitudes are realistic. For example, if you believe that public speaking anxiety is abnormal and shameful, ask several friends if they ever felt nervous before they gave a talk.
If you’re going to do this you have to be willing to take their answer as truth. Don’t go asking people things trying to get them to agree with your negative thought.
Define Terms
When you label yourself “inferior” or “a loser” ask yourself what is the definition of your label is. “Stupid” is a term all of my clients know is a no-no word in my sessions. The reason being that it isn’t true and it is tossed around too freely.
If you are someone who calls yourself stupid, define stupidity. Look it up in the dictionary. You may feel better when you realize you aren’t actually unintelligent.
The Semantic Method
Words are powerful and need to be used carefully. I stop clients mid-sentence to ask them to reword sentences all the time.
Substitute words that are less emotionally loaded. This method is helpful for “should” statements. Instead of telling yourself “I shouldn’t have made that mistake.” You can say, “it would be better if I hadn’t made that mistake.” You can also call this “turning the mind.”
Re-Attribution
Instead of automatically assuming that you are “bad” and blaming yourself entirely for a problem. Think about all of the factors that may have contributed to it. Focus on solving the problem instead of using up all your energy blaming yourself and feeling guilty.
Cost Benefit Analysis
List the advantages and disadvantages of a feeling, a negative thought, or a behavior pattern. I ask my clients “what is the purpose of that feeling/thought/behavior?” This helps them to see how harmful the original feeling/thought/behavior was and what it was costing them. Then they get to decide if they’re going to do something different.
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS
When your mind is twisted you are more likely to act in ways that are not in line with your own values and then leave yourself feeling ashamed. Instead of putting yourself in that situation, use these techniques to be the most intentional you that you can be.
No one else is going to take responsibility for your choices or your life. Other people can tell you that your thought distortions are wrong, but you won’t believe them until you trust yourself. With work, time and practice you can take that responsibility on and actually feel better about yourself coming out of difficult situations.
It isn’t easy work, though. And often the help of an experienced psychologist and Integrative Life Coach like me can make all the difference in the clarity of your work and the speed of your progress.
Be willing to reach out for help. You don’t have to be in pain.