There are some words and phrases that are no-no's when you work with me. A few of those are "I don’t know", "I can't help it", and “I’m just lazy”. They all assume that there are no reasons for the things we do and no way to change.
I don't have to know you to know that you have greater strength and resources than these imply. No matter how angry, hurt, ashamed, or afraid you might be you are still responsible for your actions and words. Choose them carefully.
Let’s break each of these down:
“I don’t know”
Sure, there are times when you really don’t know the answer to something and this is a perfectly acceptable phrase. Things like how many light years is it to the next galaxy? You can look it up, but, in the meantime, I’m guessing you don’t know the answer.
However, we use “I don’t know” as a copout. “What do you want for dinner?” “I don’t know”. Now you don’t have to feel responsible for whether the other person liked the dinner you chose.
What do you want? What do you feel? What do you think? I don’t know. Yes, you do. You’re going to need to be brave enough to potentially be different from others.
Let me briefly address the dinner thing, because it’s the most common one I come across. If you take the risk to say you want Chinese for dinner and the other person agrees, and then the restaurant you choose sucks, that isn’t your fault. You didn’t make the food. The other person ate there willingly. You aren’t that powerful. It’s not your responsibility. You didn’t do something wrong by expressing your desire for Chinese food.
I know you have the answers. We all have our answers. We just get in our own way. We reason ourselves out of our answers.
What do you want? (Inner dialogue) “Well, I really want to play mini golf, but I’m not going to say that because what if no one else wants to play and then I sound stupid?”
What do you feel? (Inner dialogue) “I feel resentful, but, I’m not going to tell you that, because it will probably start a conflict, because I know how you’re going to take it so I’m not even going to try.”
What do you think? (Inner dialogue) “I think the Red Sox are the best baseball team, but you’re wearing a Yankee’s cap, and I really want you to like me so I’m just going to say I like the Yankees, too.”
I don’t know about you, but that sounds exhausting to me. It’s so much simpler and takes far less energy to own what you want, feel, think, need, like… Yes, sometimes other people aren’t going to agree with you. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong.
“I can’t help it”
Yes, you can. You have the capacity to control your actions. To default to saying you can’t help it when you do something you don’t like is a copout. You are not a victim to your own impulses.
Change is hard. But, the only thing in this world we can truly control is ourselves. So, if you’re saying you can’t help what you do, then you’re pretty much saying there is nothing in this world you have control over. That sounds really scary.
Sure, when you take responsibility for your own growth and change it can put you in the spotlight. People might notice that you’ve changed. They may not understand. Or maybe they’ll really appreciate you. You won’t know until you try.
“I’m just lazy”
Nope. “Just lazy” doesn’t exist. Seriously. There’s an explanation for everything we do. If you’re unmotivated and don’t get stuff done, there’s a reason.
Are you afraid of something? Like failure? Success? Are you worried about disappointing someone? Do you not believe in yourself? Not trust yourself?
There are a lot of people in this world that we judge as lazy. But we don’t take the time to investigate what’s behind their lack of action. We need to become curious about our own lack of action, too.
This does require a certain level of honesty with yourself that can be tough to face. We have answers that we don’t like because they reveal the things we try to hide from ourselves. But that revelation is exactly what sets you free to find the motivation you’ve been lacking. When you become honest with yourself you create the possibility to live a life in which you actually like yourself and no longer need to hide.
Be the person you want to be. Don't wait. Take action now and you will reap the rewards a hundred times over.