“Don’t take my wine away from me.” These were the defensive, totally unprompted, words of a client in her first session. I laughed and promised it was not my goal to take anything away from her. However, if I became concerned her wine was creating a problem, we were going to be having a discussion about it. I never did try to take her wine away from her. We worked on where she was stuck in life that drinking wine every night had become a coping habit.
It’s an interesting, socially acceptable dependence women have adopted in our culture. Wine is the usual go-to, but beer and cocktails have their place.
Once upon a time the picture was of a man coming home from work with his lovely wife waiting for him with a martini. Now we see the aggression and avoidance many men engage in with their nightly cocktails and understand it to be alcohol abuse and/or dependence.
We missed the fact that women were running away from life just as much as men.
I have women tell me they drink anywhere from 1 glass to 1 bottle or so every night. These are educated, middle class women. Mothers, wives, professionals.
Some bring it up because they know something is wrong, but they don’t really want to say that they are dependent on alcohol. Some know they become someone they don’t like when they drink, and yet still open that new bottle every night. And others don’t see a problem so it isn’t until I ask about their health and habits that it gets flagged.
You aren’t dependent? Cool. Take the next week off. No booze. None. I love a good experiment. Whether or not any emotions stir over that week will be information you can work with.
I’ve stood by too many women who have tried this and felt like a failure because they caved after a few days. Some make it a week so they try another week to find where their limit is. Most people can keep any new behavior up for 2 weeks, even a month. It’s after that it becomes more and more difficult.
These women are not failures. You are not a failure. The dependence on a substance is easy to have sneak up on you, especially when it’s legal and socially encouraged.
While there is certainly a physical addiction to alcohol, it’s the mental addiction we’re talk about here. The habit of turning to a glass or 3 of wine at night to deal with a hard day. Using the glass of wine to relax, to unwind, to make it all not so painful or overwhelming for a short time.
I often say nothing is a problem unless it causes a problem. If you can have your nightly drinks and it isn’t causing any issues in your relationships, in your parenting, in your physical, mental or emotional well-being, in your ability to live a happy and functional life, rock on, have a good time and enjoy that wine.
But let’s just say there might be some problems rising up. Are you ready to be honest with yourself and see that they are either caused by your drinking or the cause of your drinking?
The Story of One Warrior Woman
I worked with one lovely woman who came to me because of an addiction to prescription medication. It would be a few years of on again, off again coaching before she settled in and was ready to do solid work to face the alcohol addiction she had been avoiding. Drinks with her husband at night, going out with friends on the weekend. It was easy to dismiss, except that it was so hard to say no and even harder to stop once she’d started drinking. Once she did begin her work and stopped drinking it was amazing to see how much growth she achieved in a short time.
It was hard, though. The pull of the alcohol and the escape it offered was strong. Stronger than she had given it credit before. Slowly, but surely, she maintained her sobriety, increased her self-care, improved her communication with her husband and strengthened herself and her marriage.
She noticed at one point that what she had initially thought was a 6-month pattern of struggle for consistency was really a two-month struggle. Every two to three months she would become weighed down by the work and creep toward drinking. She did relapse, and we moved forward. She didn’t give up. She was honest with herself that this was going to be the rest of her life and faced the anger and unfairness of that.
This was a strong, intelligent, independent, woman who worked her way up in her company being given promotions and pay raises. She did not look like an addict. You don’t look like an addict. Your best friend doesn’t. The other women you work with or in your mom’s group don’t. And I bet someone is.
How do You Know If Alcohol is a Problem?
Again, are you ready to be honest? If you aren’t honest with yourself this won’t work. If you have any feelings come up when you read any of these questions there’s probably more going on than you are allowing yourself to see.
When you drink can you stop at one?
When you drink does your personality change?
Does anyone else in your life dislike how much you drink? If so, why? Ask them.
Can you go a week without drinking? A month? Two months? Seriously, try it and see.
Do you think longingly of that drink you’ll have tonight?
If you usually start drinking at 4pm, can you hold off until 8pm?
Can you fall asleep without drinking?
That’s a simple list to get you thinking. What else do you notice? What bubbles to the surface? Write it down for yourself to refer back to later as you track your journey.
What do I do if I Think I Might Have a Problem?
Seek support. A coach like me, a friend, Alcoholics Anonymous (they have virtual meetings, too), a rehab program, or an online community like www.sobersis.com.
Begin journaling to increase your awareness. You can do free-form journaling, or you can track each day. Some tracking ideas are how high your urge to drink was today on a scale from 1-10, what your mood has been like today, whether or not you drank and if so, how much, stressors in your day, things you’re grateful for today… the list is endless.
Commit to 1 day a week of not drinking, then build to 2 days, 3, 4, and so forth.
This isn’t easy stuff. It’s way harder for many women than they thought it should be. I am here to help coach you through this and to help you determine what other resources you would benefit from. Not everyone who is on this path requires a therapist, but I’ll let you know if I think the stuff you’re hiding from would be best served there.
You deserve to love yourself and your life.