Most of us wonder how to handle the holidays every year. This year is extra special because of COVID-19. My coaching clients started expressing concerns about the holidays around mid-September. I’m used to the annual holiday concerns, but this felt a little different.
In recent years more and more families have been going out of town for one or another holiday. It’s a time when kids are out of school, and it can be relieving for some to leave the family holiday chaos behind.
It seems like most people feel like being out of town is the only valid excuse to not attend a family gathering. There’s this sense of guilt, as if you have wounded the family if you do your own thing. There’s a sense of shame as though you must be the bad seed of the family if you prefer to keep your holiday small and intimate.
And then there is the almighty sense of family obligation. It’s great to spend time with family because you want to. It’s a bummer to do it because you feel obligated.
Those are average every year concerns. Now let’s add in the coronavirus. A bunch of factors leap to mind.
What about our elderly family members? Is it safe for them to be around the entire gaggle of people indoors, in the winter?
Do we wear masks? Gloves?
What if you’re immune compromised? This could be anything from pregnant, to diabetic, to MS, and so forth. What do you do?
I know plenty of people who have large family gatherings of 60 plus people every year. Do they pare it down?
What about the family-style meal? We all use the same serving spoons and dig into the same baskets of biscuits. Do we create a buffet with a sneeze guard? Really, I’m asking, because I don’t know.
How about families that hold hands to say grace? I won’t be with the part of my family that does this, but it’s how I grew up.
Speaking of touching, do we hug all of our relatives that we see only once a year?
These questions are the tip of the iceberg. I’m sure you have a bunch that I haven’t gotten to here. So, what are the answers?
Drum roll, please… I can’t tell you. I know! I know! You clicked on this blog looking for someone to finally tell you exactly how to “handle the holidays”. You wanted someone to give you a blueprint and I’ve failed you.
The reason I can’t tell you is that I have no idea how you feel. Do you? If you’re honest with yourself, do you know in your heart of hearts what you want to do for these family events?
Because that’s where the answer is going to come from. Again, I know! It’s such a coach thing to say “the answer was in you all the time”. And it’s true.
We want other people to tell us what’s acceptable so that we don’t have to feel bad when we do something that either disappoints or upsets someone else. If Kate tells me it’s okay to go to the holiday festivities with no mask, hug everyone of every age, and stick my unwashed hand into the mashed potatoes, then it’s fine. Okay, please don’t do the potato thing.
Or if Kate tells me it’s okay for me to wear a mask indoors around my family then I can fall back on that. The expert said it was okay! If Kate says it’s alright for me to not go to any of the holiday gatherings, then maybe I won’t feel bad about my choice.
I don’t have that power. I don’t have the right, no one has the right, to tell you what you feel is best for you.
If your family agrees on parameters you feel comfortable with, then go for it, enjoy the festivities. If you feel like your family is out of their minds for not being willing to take the precautions you prefer, you are allowed, as a grown-ass person, to say “I love you all, and I will not be attending this year.”
If you get to the gathering and you’re the only one wearing a mask and that’s how you feel most comfortable, keep the damn thing on. You may be feeling emotionally uncomfortable at the real or perceived judgement of your family members, but what makes you more uncomfortable? Taking the mask off or being judged? It might be too close to call, so flip a coin if you must.
I get that you might be saying, “it isn’t that easy”! And I’m going to be really annoying and say, “yes, it is”. Your perception that it isn’t easy is what’s keeping you stuck.
I would recommend being respectful of the choices your family members make. It is not yours to tell them how they should handle this. Just as it is not theirs to tell you.
If someone chooses not to mask up and social distance, but you feel it’s important, you have a choice to make, don’t attend, don’t go near that family member, but do not tell them they should be doing something different. Stay focused on your choices.
If your whole family is masked and distancing and you feel it’s the most flipping ridiculous thing you’ve ever seen, please do not tell them that or try to coerce them into lowering their guard. You do you. Let them do them.
The holidays are intended to be a time of love, joy, acceptance, and peace. First create that for yourself through your choices, even if they are not popular with the rest of your family. Then maintain that feeling, whatever choice you make, through continued awareness of your thinking and your actions.
Stuff might look different this year. You have choices: you can be really upset and feel like 2020 has taken yet one more thing from you, or you could take a deep breath and allow this year to be what it is without judgement.
I know this isn’t going to be easy for a lot of people. I wish you that love, joy, acceptance, and peace. You are allowed to make your own choices even if they are different from others. And, while you’re doing that, you can also maintain respect for the choices of everyone else – even if they struggle to return the favor.
This could prove more than you feel equipped to handle on your own, so get in touch for some coaching support and we’ll handle it together.