How many unrealistic plans and expectations do you have? Not sure? Then ask yourself how often you feel like you don’t hit the mark when you do things. If the answer is “a lot”, then you probably have a lot of unrealistic plans and expectations.
Here’s something I figured out about life, there’s the real – the stuff that will actually happen, the things that are within the realm of possibility, they may be challenges, but they’re totally within reason. Then there’s the ideal – these are all of the things you think should happen, but don’t, the things you feel like you’re supposed to do or else you won’t measure up and will be a failure.
If you feel like you’re failing an awful lot, you’re most likely not failing at all. You’re expecting things that aren’t reasonable. You’re setting yourself up.
Idealism is fine in theory, but not so much in practice.
Hope is fabulous. Dreams are wonderful. Goals are awesome. Let’s try to keep it in the vicinity of possible, though.
If you’re not skilled in any way shape or form in math (that’s me), it’s not the most realistic ideal to want to be an astronaut. I took an astronomy class pass/fail in college because I find the universe to be fascinating. I did not find the excess amount of mathematical formulas to be fascinating and was thrilled I passed by the skin of my teeth.
I love the stars. I was not built to visit them in this lifetime [ideal]. So I read sci-fi [real].
If you think you should have a spotless house, but no one ever taught you how to manage the cleaning of a home or how to organize and tidy, this isn’t a realistic goal, it’s idealistic. Don’t tell yourself you’re a failure, because you didn’t become a domestic goddess overnight after listening to a podcast, reading a book and watching endless episodes of Friends to absorb Monica’s obsessive cleanliness. Realistic is setting a goal and creating a step by step plan of action.
You are unique and have your own strengths. Just because your bff or your mother does something you admire doesn’t mean you’re there yet. Give it a try. Take some notes on yourself. Where did you excel, where did you struggle?
Instead of deciding that the struggle part was a failure, take that as information on how you operate and who you are. Your bff might have an amazing style that you would love to replicate, but every time you buy something that totally looks like it would look good on her, it ends up looking bizarre on you. This doesn’t mean you don’t have style. It means you’re trying to be someone else.
If you decide that other people have the ideal and you want to mimic it, try it out. But, try it out with the idea that you might not fit their mold.
Try this exercise:
Write down 5 things you love, 5 things you like, and 5 things you hate. For example, I love being near water, especially salt water, I like getting my day going early, I hate being sick. I tried to rattle those off as fast as I could without thinking much about them. I encourage you to do the same. Less thinking, more intuiting.
Now, come up with sentences that fit each of those things (yea, all 15 of them). Since I love salt water it makes sense for me to work toward living near or vacationing near salt water as soon or as often as is realistic.
Because I like getting my day going early, I’m maintaining a goal of getting up and out of bed between 6 and 6:30am. However, I don’t have to be super strict about this. If my body needs more sleep, I can take some extra time in bed, especially on days that I don’t have an early morning meeting.
And then, since I hate being sick, and yes, I know, pretty much everyone hates being sick and we all get sick periodically. I’m going to do what is within my control to stay healthy like maintaining hygiene and making mindful choices during COVID-19 and flu season to give myself the highest likelihood of reducing my vulnerability to illnesses that make me whine, without sacrificing my mental health and relationships.
Notice with all 3 of these I did not set myself up to fail. I took my personality, and all the other things I have learned about myself over time into account.
I didn’t say that I should move to the ocean in the next 6 months. I could say that, and I could work my ass off to manifest that dream. But there are a few other factors happening that make that something that feels incredibly stressful. So as soon as is realistic works for now.
I didn’t say that I must get up every day at 6am. Dear lord, that sounds awful. I’ve tried the strict rules on myself before, and they have never worked. I mean never. Yet, when I give myself some grace I tend to flourish.
And, I didn’t say that I’m going to wrap myself in bubble wrap and never come out of my home so that I’m never exposed to germs. I’m pretty healthy and I benefit from contact with friends with some regularity. I will not cut myself off from the world to never get sick. I’ll make some choices that reduce my vulnerability to a reasonable level.
Okay! That’s me. What do your lists look like? How many sentences do you write that, if you’re honest with yourself, are idealistic and not realistic? Have you set yourself up for a bit of a challenge here or there? Have you set yourself up for success? Or failure?
And, if this has completely stumped you, maybe it’s time to set up an appointment for some coaching to get you back on the real track that gets you to your goals, instead of the idealized one keeps you stuck.