I’ll set the stage: you’ve read a bunch of blogs like mine, you’ve watched YouTube videos, listened to podcasts and read Marie Kondo’s books. Now you’re raring to go! It’s decluttering time!
You’ve heard the warnings about overwhelming yourself by doing too much at one time so you start small. A drawer here, a shelf there. Eventually, after months of painstaking work, the pantry has been purged and reorganized with adorable bins and labels. Your closet is color coded and the clothes have room to breathe. You gleefully put dishes away in cupboards that do not throw Tupperware at you every time you open a door.
It’s glorious.
Then you turn around and see it. Your husband’s dresser drawers overflowing with clothes he never wears. DVD’s and CD’s he swears are worth something. The garage is filled with multiples of every tool known to man (and your hubby isn’t even handy!)
And, to add insult to injury, he puts a dirty dish in your nice clean sink instead of the dishwasher. What the…!?
Hasn’t he seen the work you’ve put in? Hasn’t he said how great the house is looking? Hasn’t he gotten the memo that he is also supposed to be on the decluttering train?
No. Sorry. He is still at the train station buying a soft pretzel.
It would be lovely if our darling life partners were right there beside us, on the same track, dismantling their belongings and putting the stuff they love back in an orderly fashion. I’m not saying some guys don’t do this. I’m saying it’s a rare bird who does.
You’re motivated. You are the one who is at the end of her rope and knows something needs to change. You realized that to care for yourself you need to care for your home. That doesn’t mean he’s there, too.
What do you do? Well, you aren’t going to like this. Nothing. You do nothing. And you do it with love and grace.
Did you declutter your house to prove something? Or did you do it because it felt good? Did you do all that work because you thought it was something you were supposed to do or because you wanted to?
Decluttering your home is self-care. It needs to be done for personal reasons that elevate you. If you do it because you’re trying to control your environment and thereby your world, you’ll end up resentful and angry. Not a good look.
This was your project. It came from your motivation. From your need. Do not expect anyone else in your home to automatically be enthused about decluttering because you’re on a roll. Maybe they will be. Maybe you have that one house where everyone is on board and whistle a happy tune while bluebirds flit about and counters are joyously cleaned.
I doubt it. Decluttering is a huge process. It isn’t just about having a tidy home. It’s about changing your life rhythm. It’s about shifting your perspective. It’s about creating a life that flows.
It must be done with an open heart and with love. It must be accomplished with patience. If you become angry with your husband because he isn’t where you are all you’ll do is start a bunch of really ugly fights. If you can’t declutter your home without the acceptance that you will be maintaining a lot of it yourself, don’t do it yet. Yet.
I’m absolutely not saying you should do all the housework. I’m saying your motivation is not anyone else’s motivation. If you love a clean sink you can ask your hubby to help you out by cleaning it, but he might not self-motivate to do it because it’s not as important to him as it is to you. Please don’t get angry with him for not having your motivation.
If you ask him to declutter his dresser drawers and he says he’ll do it, create a verbal contract by asking when he feels he would like to get it done. Do not dictate for him when he should get those drawers cleaned out. He won’t do it. And, if he never gets to them, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love and respect you. It only means it wasn’t as important to him as other things. Those drawers are not you. He is not saying you aren’t important. He’s saying spending time going through his clothes isn’t as important as watching the game, hanging out with the kids, cooking a meal, or spending time curled up on the couch with you watching a movie.
If you’re patient you’ll notice the small windows when you can get one small task accomplished. I had a day when I happened to be looking at all of our DVD’s and my husband asked what I was doing. I told him I was wondering how many of these we really needed. Somehow, some sort of magic happened, and he said we could go through them. This meant me standing in front of the cabinet calling out each movie and getting the thumbs up or thumbs down. In the end 50% of those things left my house (after I convinced him that we would not get any money for them).
When I push at him, he pushes right back, when I’m gentle, and not anxious he sometimes allows me to go through some of the things he’s attached to. That being said, I still haven’t gotten him to go through his CD’s because he’s wants to copy music to the computer. He still hasn’t done that. I may be waiting for the rest of my life, because I’m the one who wants the CD’s gone. Not him.
What is your goal? To adjust your home into a place you’re proud to live? Or to change the person you love? One of those things is actually in your power. Focus on what is actually in your control and let some stuff slide. All with love and kindness for yourself and him.