Resentment is an ugly feeling. It poisons you, breeding hate and anger. Do not assume resentment is necessary.
When you feel resentful it means you feel someone is taking or has taken something from you. Figure out what that is and now you have something to work with. Until then you will behave as if you are a victim to your feelings, and no one wants that.
Ask the questions
I’m big on asking questions. I find most communication issues can easily be sorted with the right line of questioning. Communication isn’t only with other people it starts with communicating clearly with yourself.
“What do I feel he is taking from me?” “What do I feel like she took from me?”
Whether it’s a current or past issue doesn’t matter, it’s the sense of injustice and loss of control in your own life that causes the resentment.
Do you feel someone is taking you choices away? Do you feel someone is taking your time? Your friends?
Do you feel someone took your future options from you? That someone caused you to be on a path you do not want?
Whatever it is, figure it out and then begin to understand how it isn’t true.
Why your resentment isn’t based in reality
No, I’m not saying your feelings aren’t valid. They’re always valid, but sometimes we use our feelings to create stories about how we’ve been wronged, leaving us free to take no responsibility for ourselves.
No one takes power from you. You choose to give it away or you choose to hold onto it. Holding true power is a quiet thing. It isn’t a loud bully who takes from others. It is a quiet grace that has no need to prove anything to anyone.
You might feel your husband never listens to you and you become resentful because you feel like he’s taking your ability to express yourself away from you.
No, he isn’t. If you are clearly and directly saying things and he still chooses not to listen to you he isn’t taking anything from you. He’s taking the potential for communication with his partner away from himself, but you’ve expressed yourself so he didn’t take that from you.
If he doesn’t want to hear you, he won’t hear you. Decide how to work with what is really happening not what you wish was happening or think should be happening.
The more you ask yourself those questions and answer them honestly the more likely you will be to be able to see a situation clearly.
Your own resistance to reality
But maybe you don’t want to see things clearly. Maybe you want to be resentful. You might feel like if you aren’t resentful then it’s like saying he won.
It doesn’t look like a win in my book. Everyone is miserable. And you haven’t actually proven anything. Besides this is your life. Stop acting like it’s a game.
Remember what I said about real power being quiet? Quietly knowing yourself and advocating for yourself in a clear, concise way will always make you powerful.
If you prefer to be the Incredible Hulk rather than Professor Xavier (brute force versus mental strength) go for it. Be honest with yourself and understand what the cost will be, though.
As long as you’re making intentional mindful choices, I’ll accept any way you want to live your life.
Take Control
I do hope you’ll choose to reflect on your resentment when it arises and give yourself permission to let it go knowing your hurt proves nothing and gets you nowhere except in pain.
You are the one in control. I know you don’t always feel like you are, but that’s what coaches like me are here for.
This release of resentment and rising above it thing can feel confusing and ridiculous. I can help you get there, though. We can get there together and you will feel amazing when you have a moment when you can say to yourself, “I have no need to hurt or resent right now” and suddenly you’re at peace.
I’m not exaggerating! This is how it works. I know. I’ve done it and my clients before you have done it. You do not have to be in pain. I look forward to helping you find your own quiet power.