In theory it’s much easier to wait to see what other people do, or to see what they think you should do, than to take action on your own decisions.
In reality it makes life hard.
If you’re wondering who does this, check in with yourself. Have you ever waited on someone else’s actions or words so that you:
Didn’t have to feel responsible if something went wrong?
Didn’t have to feel like the “bad guy”?
Didn’t wonder if you were making the right choice?
Could make other people happy?
Weren’t disappointing others?
If you have never been this person, well done! You learned valuable lessons from an early age that have served you well. For the rest of us, though…
Having someone else make the decisions doesn’t fix everything. Even when you do wait on others, you can still feel responsible, and like the “bad guy”. You may still question if this is the right choice, and fear that you aren’t making others happy and are actually disappointing them.
The only way to feel in control is to take control of your own decisions.
Having someone else make the choices, run your life, or generally lead you around by the nose leaves you feeling more pressure, not less.
TAKE THE RISK TO HAVE AN OPINION
I work with women who struggle to express opinions all the time. It isn’t that they don’t have opinions usually, it’s that they won’t even admit those opinions to themselves so they can’t tell anyone else what they are.
My classic check-in for this is:
When you are trying to decide where to go to dinner do you…
Think about what you want and tell the other person/people?
Ask them what they want?
The amount of time couples waste going back and forth is ridiculous. What do you want? No, what do you want? I really don’t care, I’m good with whatever you want. Well, I don’t care either, you must have some preference…
And on and on.
Insert any other topic for dinner. Where to go on vacation. What color to paint a wall. Whether or not to get a pet.
Saying what you really think, want, or feel stops you from finding yourself in situations where you feel angry and resentful.
A dinner at a restaurant that isn’t the one you really wanted to go to but wouldn’t say so, never tastes very good.
STAYING IN A LIFE YOU’VE GROWN TO HATE
I hear the “I don’t want to be the bad guy” thing in many situations, but the biggest one is when someone is contemplating breaking up with, separating from, or divorcing their partner.
I have sat with women month after month who are trying to find every way in the world to not be the one who pulls the plug on a relationship she no longer enjoys or even outright hates.
She will ask me why it is that her husband isn’t asking her for a divorce. Wouldn’t he be happier with someone else? Doesn’t it bother him that they haven’t had sex in years? And yet, he doesn’t make the choice to leave so she feels stuck waiting for him.
She doesn’t want to be the one the kids, their families, or their friends blame. So, she pushes at everything she can to try to force his hand instead of saying “Enough” herself.
Are you so afraid to upset others, to be judged by others, that you would stay in a life you don’t want?
Maybe your situation isn’t about a relationship. Maybe it’s about a job, where you live, or how much time you spend with your in-laws. As long as not upsetting others is more important than not upsetting yourself, you will keep sacrificing yourself and grow to hate the life you are living.
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
It’s a very real question, that not everyone can answer. Or their answer is something that can never be guaranteed will come from the waiting.
What are you waiting for?
For there to be no risk of judgement from others.
Someone will always judge you, but that doesn’t have to change your choice.
To know 100% this is the thing that will make me happy.
Until you do the thing, there’s no way to know 100%.
To be released from all sense of guilt and shame over the outcomes.
You are the only one who has the power to release yourself from guilt and shame.
When you live a life that is dictated by waiting on someone else to tell you how to live it, it is only half a life.
Hopefully you have some things that make you happy, like your job, your relationship, your kids, or your financial stability.
But I will ask you, if you are not willing to be in control of your life, who is in control? And, if you’re honest with yourself, how does that feel? Sit with those answers for a bit and decide if that’s okay with you.
YOU CAN TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE
Learning how to overcome your own barriers and take the steps toward a life you love can be a tough road. That’s why I walk that road with my clients every week. I have walked my own road, too. I have been through intense transformational times that were so hard and yet so powerful and important. I have also sat on the sidelines of my own life, going through the motions and dropped into despair.
Every time you make a choice you are taking control of your life.
When you live a life that has been built by your actions, instead of your inaction, you at least know what you did and why. That makes all the difference. You can learn from the things that didn’t go the way you wanted them to, and you can revel in the things that did.
It is your life. Not anyone else’s. They will not reap the rewards or suffer the consequences of your choices, you will. Take control into your own hands.
Because this can be a terrifying and confusing thing, I’m asking of you I don’t ask it without offering my support. Integrative Life Coaching helps you move toward that life you’ve always wanted.
It does exist. We’ll find it together.