Your clutter isn’t just your problem. It affects a lot of people. There are the people who live in your home now. Then there are the people who come to visit your home. But what about the people who will inherit your home, and your clutter, when you’re gone?
I know, no one wants to talk about death. A million Italian grandma’s just spit on the ground to ward off the jinx I just incurred. But death is a part of life. No matter how much you don’t want to acknowledge it, it will come.
I could make this blog all about death and your relationship with it, but that will be for another day.
Today we’re talking about the legacies we leave behind when we pass on. And not just any legacies, it’s the legacy of clutter your kids (and other loved ones) are going to be facing.
SWEDISH DEATH CLEANING
I can’t talk about this subject without bringing up Margareta Magnusson’s book The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning: How to Free Yourself and Your Family from a Lifetime of Clutter. The title alone drove the sales of this book, but the content was what kept it going.
Magnusson was as Swedish woman “aged between eighty and one hundred”. She wrote this small, easy to digest book about her own experience of walking toward the end of her life and addressing her material goods.
Death cleaning, she tells us is about first looking around you and getting rid of the things you don’t want and that detract from your experience of your life right now. Second about decluttering what you feel would be a burden for your children to have to deal with when you are gone.
Magnusson is very clear that this is not sad decluttering, it is about freeing yourself in your later years, and your children after you are gone, from the weight of clutter.
THE WEIGHT OF A LOVED ONE’S BELONGINGS
When someone you love dies and it is time to decide what to do with their belongings, it can be incredibly emotional.
Some people deal with it by getting rid of anything and everything as quickly as possible. Kind of like pulling off a Band-Aid. I don’t generally recommend this method as there may be some feelings that go unprocessed that will surge up at a later date.
Others hold onto items for years. Entire rooms become shrines covered in dust. Storage units are filled with items no one will ever use again. Unfinished projects left by the deceased are left strew about the house untouched for fear of the feelings that will be unleashed.
As with most things, extremes are best to be avoided.
As painful as it may be, the things that have been left behind do need to be attended to so that the people left behind can move on with their lives.
FROM PERSONAL EXPEREINCE
When my mother-in-law died eight years ago, we were left with a bereaved widow, my father-in-law, who had relied on her to such a degree that he was lost for a long time.
That meant his children needed to step in to make decisions.
What we found when we began the process of clearing out their home was that my mother-in-law had been hoarding. Because she and her husband kept it dark, and no one ever went past a certain point when visiting, the situation had gone unnoticed.
She was a sharp, intelligent woman who had dealt with depression since her own mother had died. The depression was then complicated by living with both diabetes and leukemia. We knew she was struggling, but didn’t realize to what extent.
They had a very small home and yet garbage bag after garbage bag was set out to the curb every week. If we had fully understood the situation, we might have gotten a dumpster, but none of us could truly wrap our heads around what we were dealing with.
The most difficult room was the one in which my mother-in-law had spent most of her time. As she had declined in her health, she had spent more and more time in this one room, rarely exiting for anything other than necessities.
I was the one who dealt with that room, listening to my father-in-law as he sat on a chair just outside the room.
He told me stories about his life with the love of his life, while saying yay or nay to the things I held up for him.
The weeks that it took to go through everything were something I would not wish on anyone, but I was what I could do for someone I loved who couldn’t face it himself.
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP YOUR KIDS OUT
You need to live in a home you enjoy today. Getting older and coming face to face with your own mortality does not mean you should get rid of the things that you love, enjoy, and use.
Declutter for yourself first and foremost.
Do it on your own, ask a trusted person to help you or whatever way you please. But give yourself the gift of living in a home that doesn’t weigh you down.
Then declutter with your children in mind.
Think about if some of these things will be a burden to them when you are gone. There’s a weighing out process that will have to happen at times. There will be some things you know your kids are not going to want to have to deal with, but still bring you joy today. Your current joy wins.
If there are things you feel will be a burden to them and aren’t all that important to you, perhaps those things go.
Organize for everyone’s benefit.
Once you’ve decluttered, the way to keep it that way is with organization. The old “a place for everything, and everything in its place”. If items don’t have a clear home to go to, they will quickly turn back into clutter.
Finally, talk to your kids.
Tell them about what you’re doing. Listen to any concerns they might have. Listen to any input they might have. Let them support you. Put a boundary in place if their goals do not align with yours. After all, it’s still your stuff!
Do I like, love, use, need this item?
Goes in the keep pile
Is this item going to be burden for my kids when I’m gone?
If I’m not really attached and or don’t like/love/use/need it = donate, sell, or toss
If I still like/love/use/need it = goes in the keep pile
Organize what remains into reasonable and understandable systems.
Have a conversation with your children.
A SIGH OF RELIEF
To create order out of chaos is selfcare. It also happens to impact anyone else connected to you and your belongings.
Facing mortality can be tough for many people. So, if you’re the one suggesting to someone else that they declutter in anticipation of the end of their life, be gentle and empathetic.
If you or a loved one need help with the emotional experience and/or direction on how to proceed Decluttering Coaching will answer all of your questions, turning unknowns into knowns. You don’t have to do this alone.