As the new year approaches (or the winter solstice depending on your preference for beginnings) we’re in a space of considering resetting and restarting.
“What do you want?” is one of my favorite questions, but it can lead to frustration, confusion, and self-criticism when the person being asked truly doesn’t know their answer.
Women are especially conditioned to think about what other people want, not what we want. This leads to living a life based on other people’s idea of what life should look like instead of your own wants, needs, and desires.
That leads to unhappiness, depression, anxiety, anger, resentment…do I need to go on?
It is my goal to help you uncover your wants so you can have a life you love.
RESISTING KNOWING YOURSELF
It may seem counter intuitive, but many people actively keep themselves from investigating what they want. Whether they know they are doing this or not is another issue. The awareness that you are in fact sabotaging your opportunities to discover your authentic self is the first step in that discovery.
Why would anyone block themselves from knowing what they want? There are a number of reasons:
If you acknowledge what you want and it will change not only your life, but the lives of others for you to pursue your dream, you may be afraid to go there.
If you don’t have faith in your ability to get what you want you won’t try.
If you don’t trust yourself to follow through on the journey you may decide it’s better to not try in the first place.
If you have been conditioned to believe you don’t deserve to have the life you want you will turn your back on it.
That’s a small sampling of reasons you might not allow yourself to look deeply into yourself or explore your world to find your calling.
WHY WE NEED TO DISCOVER OUR WANTS
A life lived not knowing what you truly want is one that is colored in shades of gray. One in which you figure out even a small thing you want and allow yourself to pursue it is a life lived in technicolor.
It’s lovely to want to help others and care for them. However, the caretaker becomes burnt out very easily when she focuses her life on everyone except herself.
Why isn’t it enough to live for others? Because you are an individual with needs whether you acknowledge them or not. If you deny yourself the life you want and sacrifice your needs for the needs of others you will begin to fester with anger and resentment. You will begin to feel others have stolen time, energy, and life from you.
Allowing yourself to identify what brings you joy and then going out and getting it gives you control over at least a small part of your life, leaving you with more resources to care for those you love.
FINDING OUT WHAT YOU WANT
The befuddled looks women give me when I ask them what they want break my heart. “I don’t know” they say. Okay, that’s not a problem. With a little digging we can figure it out.
First tactic: Think about something, anything that makes you smile. Something you get enjoyment from even if it seems silly. Do more of that.
Second tactic: Begin taking classes in anything that seems mildly interesting to you. Rule out the things that don’t turn out to be all that interesting. Do more of the things that do interest you.
Third tactic: Ask other people what they enjoy and see if any of those ideas seem interesting enough to you to try. Compile a list and work your way through it. Do more of the ones that fit you.
Fourth tactic: If anything seems even slightly interesting try it. Instead of talking yourself out of it, try it. Take the risk that you won’t like it in the end. Take the risk that you might find something you love.
THINGS I’VE KNOWN OTHERS TO WANT
I’ve been working in psychology and coaching for a long time and have had the honor of hearing a lot of life stories. Here are a few quick stories that stand out to me.
One woman loved nature and had a memory of spinning in a field in the sun. She wouldn’t let herself do it again for fear her family would criticize her. What she wanted was to be free to laugh. That memory embodied that desire.
Another woman knew she loved art. Drawing, painting, anything creative. But she had never allowed herself to think of herself as an “artist” because she had been taught to disregard anything that made her happy. Once she allowed herself to use that label, she realized she wanted nothing more in life than to create.
And yet another could not figure out what she wanted, or what she felt her purpose in life was. After talking through it we noticed how important family was to her and how much she loved planning things with them and spending time with them. We also noticed things were changing, like her children going away to college, so she gave herself the patience and grace to continue to discover what she loved in the next phase of her life.
Then there’s a dear friend of mine who has literally said, “Yoga is my life!” As a forty-something she had found her passion, and began to build a new business around that passion, regardless of the fact that she already had a thriving career in optometry. She could have ignored her heart and been miserable. Instead, she is one of the most joyous people I know.
Wants and desires can be feelings and instincts, too.
“To be free.”
“To be independent.”
“To be in nature.”
“To let go of my grief.”
“To understand with my heart, not just my head, that I deserve to be happy.”
“To take more vacations.”
“To have time away from my family.”
Every example I’ve shared here is from a real person. Most of them expressed repeatedly by many of my clients over the years.
WHAT’S THE RIGHT ANSWER?
Ha! This is a trick question!
There is no one right answer. Trying to come up with what you “should” want, or what you think other people won’t judge, or the exact thing that will change everything in your life right now, are all ideas that keep you from finding out what you want.
It isn’t a complicated question.
The complicated part is quieting down all of the noise inside your head, built up from years of life. All of the hurts, the fears, the criticisms, the expectations, the “have to’s”, the “supposed to’s”, the habits, the messages…
You do not have to be a prisoner of any of that any longer.
COURAGE TO BE YOU
It takes courage to take the risk to let yourself be happy.
It takes courage to trust yourself enough to believe the answers you come up with.
It takes courage to fly in the face of what you’ve been taught to think and feel.
You are unique. Don’t ever let anyone tell you to stuff yourself into a mold that doesn’t fit.
Take a deep breath. Relax your shoulders. Stretch your neck. Loosen your jaw. Take another nice deep breath.
It’s going to be okay.
A HELPING HAND
The honor of my job continues to be the permission I am given to walk beside my clients on their journeys.
As an Integrative Life Coach, and as a Decluttering Coach, I am let into the most private, delicate, and vulnerable places in people’s lives and hearts. This is an honor I respect and cherish.
It would be my honor to be a part of your journey, too.