Grief is the emotional journey that anyone experiences after a loss. National, or mass grief is when a loss is experienced by an entire country.
On Friday June 24th 2022 every woman in the United States whether she agreed with the decision or not experienced a lot experienced a loss. That was the day that Roe v Wade was overturned. For the 1st time in American history a constitutional right was taken away.
The loss that has been experienced is not only about the loss of a woman’s right to make decisions for your own body. It was the loss of human rights. For many it constituted a loss of expectations, of hope, and of a sense of safety.
What I want to talk to you about today is actually not about rights, or abortion. It’s not even about all of those other rights attached to the 14th amendment that suddenly look as if they are not nearly as safe as we once thought they were.
I want to talk to you about grief. What it is and how we experience it across an entire country when a trauma event occurs.
THE LAST 100 YEARS OF SHARED GRIEF
This is, of course, not the first time in American history, or world history, that nation-wide grief has been experienced.
Focusing solely on the past 100 years or so, there have been multiple wars the United States has been involved in, including both World Wars, The Korean War, The Vietnam War, and the Gulf War.
War creates what is called complicated or complex grief, given the number of factors of loss over an extended period of time.
Grief related to a single event is different. It is sudden and abrupt. While the effects can last for an extended period of time, the triggering event does not.
I was born in 1974, so I have no memory of things like the stock market crash of 1929, the assassination of President Kennedy, or the assassination of Dr. Martin Luthor King, Jr.
The first memory I have of nation-wide grief was in 1986, the day of the Challenger disaster. I was eleven years old and in sixth grade. I remember sitting in school watching the TV that had been brought into our classroom for this momentous occasion. The shuttle took off and we were full of hope and excitement. Then, 73 seconds into flight, it exploded due to what we would later learn was a fault in the shuttle’s O-Rings.
As a nation we experienced grief over the loss of life, but also loss of the hopefulness of this next step toward the stars.
The next nation-wide grief event I experienced was on September 11th 2001. My husband I were both off work that day. It was a Tuesday. We got up around 8am CST and my husband walked to the kitchen to make breakfast, while I turned on the television in the living room. When the picture came on, I didn’t understand what I was looking at. Then I realized what it was and all I could say was “There's a hole in the pentagon.”
We all know what followed.
Events like this strip us of hope, and change our understanding of the world we live in, creating a sense of loss of the future we planned on.
MEDIA
The advent of radio and then television has made it more likely that we will experience nation-wide grief, as we can all watch the same event at the same time. We can hear the same news at the same time.
Social media has really only become the super-connecter that it is in the last decade or so. This has allowed us as a nation, and as a world, to share information, personal and general, at alarming rates.
It can create a sense of connection and belonging. It can also cause people to feed off of one another’s hurt, rage, and sadness.
On 9/11 I believe I went through all five stages in about five minutes, and then cycled through them over and over. That week was the week I stopped watching, reading or listening to the news. Sharing pain on a nation-wide level like that is simply too much for me.
STAGES OF GRIEF
So, what is grief other than the experience of a loss?
It is easiest to explain grief through the research of Elizabeth Kublar Ross, who originated the now famous five stages of grieving.
Something Kulbler Ross identified in her year-long research study that is rarely talked about, is that grief does not just begin at the moment of a loss. It can begin as soon as one has information that leads them to anticipate a loss.
Denial
With that in mind, grief over the Supreme Court decision began May 3, 2022, when it was leaked that the Supreme Court was planning to overturn Roe v Wade.
Grief varies from person to person, and is expressed in many ways. Personally, I was in deep denial at that time. I couldn’t truly believe that this thing could happen. I discussed the possibility with friends and family, but denial kept me nicely disconnected from the feelings that were to come.
While many people jumped straight to anger and depression, many others, like me, wedged themselves in denial.
With events like the Challenger or 9/11, it is still possible to experience denial, regardless of the visual evidence. Our minds will protect us in whatever way they can.
Anger
Ah, yes, anger.
For those who did not burrow into denial, anger rose up as soon as the information was leaked about the Supreme Court’s upcoming ruling. For the rest of us it bloomed last Friday.
Keep in mind that we can flow in and out of these stages over and over. Long before I mired myself in denial, I had actually been actively in this anger stage. Cursing at the TV when abortion was discussed, and statements or actions by politicians and states that distressed me, was a dead give-away.
All of these feelings had been happening throughout the country, but the decision last Friday brought us all together in our pain.
Anger feels a hell of a lot more powerful than sadness, hopelessness, helplessness, or fear. But we can’t sustain anger without hurting ourselves.
Bargaining
When anger isn’t getting the emotional reprieve, we’re looking for we may turn to bargaining. This often presents as conversations with God, the universe, or whatever greater power you ascribe to. It also tends to happen in anticipation of loss.
I know many prayers were sent out prior to the Supreme Court’s decision, however, there is a certain helplessness that was felt in the face of something that had been officially in the works since 1974. Bargaining wasn’t getting the general population very far.
Shocking and unexpected events like assassinations, or attacks, rarely afford us time to spend in this stage.
Depression
When bargaining isn’t working, we will drop into hopelessness. Also simply known as sadness, depression has been expressed over and over across all internet platforms in the past week.
Tears have fallen. The hopelessness and helplessness that hurts so much that we cover up with anger has been expressed. This is important.
We need to let the tears come. We need to let the sadness be acknowledged.
This is how we move toward healing. By validating what we’re truly feeling.
Acceptance
Please understand that acceptance does not have to mean agreement or approval.
Acceptance is acknowledgement of reality. When we acknowledge reality, we can do something about it.
Denial and bargaining are stall tactics. Anger is valid, yet also a cover-up, and can lead to impulsive actions that can make things worse.
Acceptance is the place from which we make a plan. This is where we decide how we move forward. What is in our control? What isn’t? What can we do next? How can we make an impact given what is, rather than focusing on what we think should be, or wish was?
WE’LL MOVE FORWARD TOGETHER
Share your grief, especially when a national crisis occurs. There are others who feel exactly like you. Sharing creates validation and helps us to feel less alone.
Sharing makes it possible to come together to create solutions.
This is not the last national crisis we will experience. As a nation we were not prepared for the assassination of important figures. We were not prepared to watch the explosion of a space shuttle that took the lives of seven people, live on national TV. We were not prepared to have our country attacked so violently as it was on 9/11. We didn’t think The Constitution could be revoked.
We aren’t prepared for grief. We go through it anyways.
Support each other. Be kind. Resist vengeance and vindictive behavior or words in you anger, and helplessness. Validate your own feelings and those of others. Find your way to take control as you come to acceptance of what the adjusted reality in the wake of a crisis.
When all of this feels like too much, Life Coaching is a place you can process your experience without judgement and receive support and guidance as you discover what your solutions are.
As a psychologist I have spent my career working with grief in all forms. Give yourself the gift of help moving through these stages if you find yourself stuck, and unusable to move forward on your own.