We've all given into our reactivity and lashed out at someone, said something we didn't really mean or didn't mean it the way it came out. Sometimes we take it even further and are cruel to another person, we bully and exert power over them.
This never really makes us feel better.
I talk to adults who say, “but he started it”, “but she hurt me first, what was I supposed to do? Just lie down and take it?” First of all, we aren't 6 years old. Second, does hurting another human being fit with your values? If your answer is No, please stop there. Let's not get into, "no, but...". Why would you ever compromise your values just because someone else doesn't hold the same values? Why would you ever let someone else have that much power over your choices?
There are times when the only solution in the moment is to walk away. Not necessarily forever. Long enough for everyone to cool down and be able to address the conflict in a conversation, not an argument.
This is not a comfortable thing to do. Especially because you don’t get to slam a door when you walk away. You don’t get to toss a barb over your shoulder as you walk away. This is the type of walking away that is cool, calm and collected. It might even be preceded by something like, “I know that I’m not going to be able to say things the way that I want to right now so I’m going to step away for a little while.”
Now, this does get a little more exciting when the person you’re walking away from is so insecure that they cannot handle their interpretation of you walking away or refuse to walk away themselves, and, in fact, follow.
It’s best to try to set this all up ahead of time. Have a conversation with your husband during a calm moment in which you let him know about this new method you’re going to be working on to reduce your arguments and reactivity. Let him know what when things get too heated, you’ll be telling him it’s time for you to walk away. Ask him if he can accept this and let you walk without chasing after you or trying to force the conflict to continue. Once he says yes, we now have a verbal contract.
I love verbal contracts. “This is what I need, is that something you can do for me?” “No” leads to additional information gathering. “Yes” is a contract that you can return to at another time. It is not something to toss in his face in anger. It is something to use to say, “This is one of those moments I was talking about. I’m going to step away, can you let that happen?”
And, yes, I know, you might not want to walk away even if you had every intention of doing so. You want to prove your point! You want him to get it! You want to make sure he understands what you feel he needs to understand! You want to defend!
You tried that already. If it had worked, I’m guessing you wouldn’t be reading this. So, let’s try something different. It’s going to take effort on your part. Some deep breathing. A lot of self-talk. You can do this!
The key to all of this is that, once everyone has cooled off – 30 minutes, 3 hours, a day or two – you gently return to the triggering topic with intention. We don’t want to be walking away from stuff and never resolving anything. Now it’s time to talk. Not yell, not accuse or blame. Talk. Own your crap, ask him to own his. Even if he can’t, still own yours.
This is how you get to a place where, no matter what the outcome is, you know that you feel good about how you handled things, instead of all of those times when you hated yourself for what you did and said.As tough as it may be, walk away. You'll be able to live with yourself after. You might even be able to continue to live with your husband. Let’s not go throwing a relationship away because your hurt or ego doesn’t want to press pause.